02 October 2008
sometimes i get fixated on a particular thing, that i must make or find. for the last while, i have been searching for a vintage fox fur collar. i finally found what i was looking for from an etsy seller in canada, zaama. the box finally arrived over the weekend. it is a very plush creamy colour with chocolate tipped guard hairs. after decorating it with flowers and sewing on a new hook and eye, i have been wearing it ever since. it is what i am designing my fall wardrobe around. worn on the shoulders, it goes with anything; sweaters, blazers, winter coat, camisole, lingerie. i feel a little conflicted about fur, so my compromise is vintage. there is something glamourous and comforting about having this around my shoulders. and best of all it is cheering me up.
so much of my life and my business is looking together. being put together carefully. polished. fancy. it has become an art, my art. if you see me on any given day, what i am wearing serves two purposes for me; one is to look professional (since i am in the business of dressing people, how would it look if my dress didn't reflect that?) and the other is to make me feel good. things can't possibly go well if i am wearing the wrong colour or the wrong shoes. i craft my wardrobe to support the idea of my professional life and the ideal me.
there is nothing like hearing people complain all of the time; airing their personal train-wrecks. my pendulum swings the other way. i've been accused of being too stoic; when i have my own financial crisis going on i do my best not to show it, but i definitely am one to fight with myself over self-sabotage. not always knowing when to ask for help, stubbornly waiting for my receipts to come in rather than aggressively collecting them (which makes everything come in slower). everything always works out, right? there is nothing that turns me off as much as seeing people begging for money. i keep going. even when things are really discouraging, through starving, through so many months of getting by the skin of my teeth. there has been so many good things mixed in. i tend to do everything in my power to be positive or at least appear so. i find that having the appearance of being upbeat and successful does me much better than complaining and playing the 'poor me' game. there is no middle ground between being perfect or a total trainwreck/sad sack, and while i am really hesitant to discuss my down days at the risk of not appearing perfect or together, i think that it is too much pressure and a misrepresentation for me to act like everything is perfect in my little world. to be sure, i am not sure about how i have made it for so long, and this month (hopefully) will be no exception, but things are carved so close. but wearing my best clothes on a bad day makes such a difference, and everyone should have their own equivalent of my fox fur collar; whether it is a garment, a piece of jewelry or a favourite pair of shoes.
(this post was inspired by sewphisticate a fellow etsy seller in a forum discussion about how do you combat self doubt? photo by me)