dress, dress, dress a rambling state of my wedding season

dress, dress, dress; it is all i can think about. mentally working out the design that my brain is not so graciously giving up in tiny pieces as the deadline approaches. she has worked her way into all of my thoughts, my dreams, my whole being until she is finished sometime in the next couple of days. i have given up trying to think about anything else; it is an exercise in futility. such is how things are when i am nearing a deadline. my mind is hard-wired to solve design problems. i have a particular outcome that i am fixated on, a particular vision that requires all the tricks up my sleeve, and my entire mental capacity as the deadline approaches.

the last weeks i have spent sketching, calculating, cutting, pinning, stitching, picking apart, fitting, measuring recalculating, clipping, pressing, gathering, stitching. obsessing over curves, avoiding unsightly lines, accentuating in some places, drawing the eye away from others..

bits of silk and threads cling to my skirt, which i notice later long after i have left my studio. i am still thinking, working it out long after i left work for the day. i never leave work behind. it is always there, addling my brain.

last night i met friends for drinks after work (9p). eyes glazed over, and incoherent, i try and try to hold a conversation about other things. in my mind the dress is working her details out. i am sure my friends probably think i am insane. my sentences are halting and distracted. i am sure i make little sense. although i have had only half a drink, i can blame it on the alcohol. but i cannot stop thinking about it. i am obsessed. i ride my bike home, and go to bed. as i drift in and out of consciousness before finally falling asleep, little bits of details float by weaving themselves into my dreams.

no matter far in advance i get started, no matter how i try to manage time between myself and my clients, i am always working up to the last minute. circumstances always seem to work out that way, not matter how hard i try to do otherwise. i have never missed a deadline, and things always work themselves out, but i can't stop worrying about it. even though i know everything will work out, i can't stop fretting over it. this dress is all i can think about today, and when i hand her off this weekend, there is another one waiting in the wings to take her place.